Freedom from fear. Such a simple statement yet it isn’t always been attainable. Like many others, I have struggled with fear. I have spent countless hours mulling over my fears, spinning in my mind, writing and dissecting it in my brain.
I have been out on electronic ankle monitor (EM) for 18 days now. Today is my lock down day, which is a part of EM (one day a week has to be a lock down day) and I am going over some of my journals that I had both at Hiland Mountain Correctional Center and at the Glenwood Center.
Here is an excerpt from 9/22/2016:
It will snow soon.
I can remember the first snow of certain years. 2007, when I got home and walking outside with Tracy. My body sore and beat up. 2014, walking to work in Education, (I was at Hiland Correctional) unsure of were my life would go. 2015, walking the yard, looking at the mountains. Sentenced and wondering about EM. It’s 2016. Not yet for EM. I have 20 months left in less than a week. 20 months ago it was May 2014. I wasn’t arrested yet. It has gone by quickly. Time. I did it amidst so many uncertain
ties, chaos, sadness. I’ve been here 5 months and it seems like the blink of an eye some days.
I will write about all of this. Episodes. This IR (incident report) is a two-part episode. Elisa leaving, an episode. Trish. Mary’s health. My birthday. Laundry struggles. No quarters to be found. Karaoke queen. IHOP BLT”s (yes Ginger that’s where the $1000 I loaned you went so you could discreetly bring it to your car). Garbage dates. Director John calling me at work to ask about money.
For the most part I read my journals now and see scattered notes, cryptic. I had been afraid of staff reading them and I would get into trouble somehow. But I am piecing them together, just as I am piecing this whole journey together for something whole.